I want to be an engineer... I love trains!
No i mean the design guy type... civil of course. What a day at the shop civil engineers must have!
"Cheerio, sir"
"Good morning fine fellow, how are you sir!"
"Smashing, just smashing your self?"
"Brilliant my good man, what will you be doing today?"
"Engineering my good friend, wonderful designs, of amazing things."

I'm a child actor, you might remember me...
From classics as Eight is Enough, Different Strokes, Cheers and Jon & Kate plus Eight... No I just act like a child.

The worst drunk & phone interaction... is...
Number 3: the drunk dial - You keep calling and calling and calling till they answer the phone.
Number 2: the drunk message - You decide to express your feelings to the "voice recording" feature of their phone.
Number 1: the drunk forget to hang up - you decide to hang up and express your outrage, contempt, anger, sadness, goal or life changes to your drunk contemporaries all the while being to wasted to hang up the phone, thus leaving a drunk message to boot.

Wonder Woman parking her invisible jet...?
How tough would this be? I know I miss place my car in a parking lot... but an invisible jet how do you find this thing? Just look for the crumpled up car that drove into it?

Oh and one more thing: "Wonder Woman your jet should make you invisible also. The bad guys know your coming because they can see you...

Stupidity
Stupidity can be momentary, stupid tattoo's are permanent...

Phone books?
Just got my GIANT new tree devouring phone book today. Who still uses these things, if you have the internet?
"Hey chuck you got a phone book?"
"Yeah it' over there next to google."

Social Circles
When you think your the smartest person in your social circle, you are probably hanging out with idiots.

Just saw Titanic - (Spoiler Alert)
It is the perfect analogy for love. A giant boat smashes into and iceburg and sinks killing hundreds. Yep just like falling in love.

Life Preservers and Airplanes?
Ummm, why? I'd think a parachute would be the default "thing under your seat". "In case of an emergency, jump out of crashing plane", sounds better to me.

Love: It's not fall that kills you, it is the landing.

Audiobooks
I can't find the dictionary in any audiobook store, how lame is that.

How do you feel?
Well kinda smooth, bumpy, hairy and moist... so normal!

Dreams!
I keep my dreams low so I can reach them.

Cooties.....
When girls do have cooties, they are just called hormones!

Remembering names...
It is a very hard thing to do. So I use famous people, so if I meet Chris I think Chris Rock it helps me a bunch. So I tell people sometimes if they have trouble also.
Me: "I'm Chuck, think Chuck Yeager to remember my name"
any young person: "Who?"
Me: "Uggg, The inventor of Jägermeister"
Them: "Cool"

There are people in life who leave their mark...
And other you want to leave yours, with a cartwheel kick.

I use to watch Smallville...
It is a modern day retelling of the growing up of Superman. It was amazing how often they end up in the hospital on that show. They needed to do an ER type spin off. 30%-50% of the show took place there already!!!

Roughing It - Modern Day Camping!
Camping the new-school way is Read-Icculas. A friend is going camping staying in a place with 4 bed 3 baths and worst of all satellite internet, now that's roughing it!

"Don't Do Anything..."
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do." If your a parent this might work with your children, unless your Ozzy Osbourne then basically your asking them to just not die or have a normal family life.

Recycling... Decryption...?
I want to recycle plastic, I'm just not sure what kind can go into the bin. If it has a 1, 4, 21, 94 or 3478 it can go in the bin? If it has 2, 3, 69, 105 or 478 it can't? I need a recycling chart!

I'm Kinda Vegan...
Well I only eat vegan animals!

What is your favorite animal...
To eat? I love chicken, pig and dolphin... They are so yuuuummmmy!

Someone killed a computer!
A friend of a friend spilled coke on her computer and killed it. It was like a kilo or more! The compy ran super fast before it met it's end. Safe computing people.

New floors in hospitals...

1. Intensive Care
2. Progressive Care
3. We Don't Care

Sometimes doctors make you feel like #3 is a real floor.

Go Kill it!
This is encouragement to offer someone attempting to accomplish something! As they will kill it good or kill it bad!

My MagicJack said it's only 5¢ to call India....
You can always call there for free just call Toshiba, Dell, or HP tech support.

I didn't sleep at all last night....
So today I am sleeptarded: symptoms include horrible segway's into jokes, incoherent rambles, poor grmaemr and drooling.

Horror movies...
They scare us out of all kinds of things. Jaws scared me out of the ocean, Freddy scared me outta sleeping, Alligator scared me out of pools, Jason out of hocky and the Blob scared me outta jello.

A friend lamented how much she'd rather be killed by the Blob than by her life.

Do you notice anything different about me?
These are seriously the scariest words a guy can hear come out of a woman's mouth. The reason at that moment we need to go back into our archive of what this woman looked like in the past and then identify what has changed. Then we need to express that any and all changes are an improvement over the former state of the what ever it was.

Guy Tip: Take the offensive, when you are talking to a lady friend, ask them "Do you notice anything different?" Even if nothing has changed.

Video games and family...
My father has recently become a Call of Duty 5 (COD5) addict. He's (kingcobra1944) 65 years old and plays for hours at a time. On Sundays he goes to see his elderly mother. That was until his first double point weekend, where everything you do in CoD5 get you double points.

"Mom I'll come over to see you on a non-double point weekend. I gotta go!"

Poor Grandma.

Mono-Americans in a stereo-phonic world...
It is sad that I am monolingual like most of America. Most of the world is Stereo-Lingual while many are 5.1 or 7.1 surround sound capable... I have enough trouble with English.

I hope you don't crash!
People are freaky if you say this as they leave your house. What is up with that? I hope you don't crash and die in a horrible car accident, SORRY for caring!

Walk-A-Thons
What a way to donate money; "if Billy makes it 25 miles I'll donate $75 but if he makes it only 10 they get $30." I would go around the office inquiring of the physical prowess of the perspective walkers. "So ted you child is on the track team", "Sue your son plays video games all day" I know who's getting my $3 per mile...

Crack, what a name.
The criminals who invented it they should have named it "bubbles" it sounds way less bad for you! "Oh look at him he's addicted to bubbles" or "That guy over there does bubbles all the time."

Newbie...
New ones are born every minute.

I need to tell you I'm racist!
I think the human race is the best.

Advice for arguing with a girl.
I asked a girl for advice on how to argue with a women, she said "DON'T!" Yeah that is probably the best advice.

The chicken and the egg!
Why do chickens cluck all the time... eggs are big. Chickens are the most fragile animals ever.

Comp-u-tarted, the disease:
My brother is well-on a brilliant fellow, he can take a grove of trees and turn it into a house; amazing stuff. But put him in front of a PC or Mac and he becomes comp-u-tarded, hitting the keyboard like a monkey with a stick.

It's sad what technology does to us!

What animals are made of...
It is a known fact that all fish are made of sushi. Then all cows are made of hamburger all chickens are well you get the idea... where does turkey bacon come from? That would be a freakish animal!

Yoda and his funny talking...
Maybe Yoda was just retarded, maybe he had a speech impediment? Maybe he was the forces "Rain Man!" What would retarded Yoda sound like?

Is that dolphin safe tuna?
I only eat non-dolphin safe tune, I love the taste of dolphin.

Michael Phelps Diet... that of a pot head!
This summer it was reported how Michael Phelps eats 10k calories a day. I thought he was needing them for swimming. We all wondered how he could mow all that chow. But low and behold since being busted with a pot pipe, it is clear as glass he had the munchies!

I feel normal, I'm okay!
It is a backwards thing to have to take drugs to feel like your not on drugs...

I have a book on bookmarks...
Can't finish the stupid thing, every time i put it down I can't tell where I left off.

You are helpless
Seriously there is no way I can help you, your beyond hopeless your helpless!

Newsflash: Ebony & Ivory go together, in perfect harmony!

News on the street is Jack Black (Movie star and funny man) and Jack White (Music band White Strip front man). Will be collaborating on a new project, a remake of the Stevie Wonder hit Ebony and Ivory.

Surfing Tip for New England newbies...
"Your going surfin, huh, you got your wetsuit?"
"Yep"
"Drink lots of water."
"Oh, Dehydration huh?"
"No, warmth."

I can't find my keys...
Where is the last place you would look? Start looking there first, it saves a ton of time...

I'm attractive in the right light...
When the light is off...

It not the fall that kills you...
it's the landing!

You can't read the sign if your first...

This is classic photo and it got me thinking. This poor guy should have heeded the sign, but the guy before him had no chance. The reason is there was no sign...

To be the poor sap who is the catalyst for some one to say "You know we really should put up a sign..."

Blind parents... rough but think about it!
The singer-songwriter William Fitzsimmons is amazing check him out, he had two blind parents. I would have totally taken advantage of this... Yep straight A's mom and pop, were is my good grade bonus! Fed the fish yep (fish died 2 years ago)... Yeah I'm eating my vegetables! I would finally have been a good child ;)

Out of context!
"I am going to get my Canon and go down town and shoot some people you wanna come? It'll be fun. I'm going to shoot some dogs and some children too!" This can get you in all kinds of trouble today. I just like photography...

I can't stand Smokey the Bear...
He tells me "Only You can prevent forest fires" woooh hold on, That's a big job, I can't handle it, and people in California must be pretty upset with me, no thank you!!!

In my defense I did not know he had picked me until last week... Saw a TV ad.

On a side note, do your job Smokey. Who else gets away to pawn off their job on others? "Ummmm no smokey, only YOU can prevent forest fires and you are not doing a very good job!"

I need to talk to you...
not face to face but mouth to ear!

Cheesy Pick-up line!!!
"What do you do for work?" "Oh, I' a garbage man I pick-up white trash!"

Kids and their wacky imaginations...
A youngster (5 or 6) and I were conversing and he mentioned his favorite animal was "The Umbrella bird" I laughed admiring kids and their funny imaginations! Well his dad had me google it for kicks... HERE ARE THE RESULTS! TV makes us older ones look so dumb today!

It is hunting season...
A buddy of mine got a ten point buck! That is cool and all, but unfortunately it was with his BMW at 65 MPH. oh well the bright side it is pre-tenderized!

"Can I get your eMail address?"
Sure! it is "pleasedonotemailme@charlesbittner.com, that's please-do-not-email-me@charlesbittner.com!" I look forward to not hearing from you...

Picking an animal name - not easy
A key to successfully choosing an animal name, it practice yelling the name out loud. A friend of mine her dogs name is "Budweiser", what was she thinking? Every time she goes looking for him... "Budweiser, BUDWEISER!!!" the neighbors think she's ragging drunk!

Other bad animal names:
PCP
Marijuana
Vodka
Crystal Meth
or "I'm a retard"

The Best Golfer... We are not!
The Best golfer plays less golf than his competitors... He makes less shots, so I wonder how many less games Tiger Woods will have played then the PGA. I thought of this while me and my brother were getting beat at Tiger Woods 09 by my 62+ Y.O. father & step mother. It was humiliating...

This is going to spark outrage...

Chili's new PETA pocket, oh my what a partnership. PETA must feel the need to revamp it's image in today's world. I will never look at a PETA pocket the same again.

The $180 million dollar disaster!

Yes, the Yankees failed to make the playoffs this year. 2008 will be know as a year of fiscal implosions and this was by far the most horrific to see transpire. It was like watching a retarded bear at the circus, at first you laugh then it's just sad.

This is a very informative bumper sticker.

This is a bad bumper sticker that will get you pulled over a lot.

The Fonzie Dog...
When you go to SPCA it is a crazy experience... Most dogs are barking and flipping out "Get me out of here, I'm going to die soon, Bark, Bark..." they are flipping their lids.

Then you got the laid back chill; Fonzie dog that's like "Be cool you, can get out of here, make eye contact with the people, be sweet and don't bark" This Dog type is cool like Fonzie, even under pressure still cool.

Your last meal....
If it was my last meal what would it be? Oh I'd have Pizza, and Lasagna, some eggs with sausage & bacon, KFC, McDonald's fries & quarter pounder, bunch of sushi, lobster, steak, a bowl of moon dust, another of mercury dust, ice cream sundae, milk shake, and a glass of water from thawed Plutonian ice.

Basically I'd have to stave off the execution till I finished my meal, and till they got my water!

Don't say that...
If someone says "I'm going to kill myself." please do not add "Don't talk like that." THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING TO SAY. These are things we want and need to talk about...

Red Sox own a nice Kashmir Jacket...

Tonight the Boston Red Sox showed off their latest play-off jersey, the Scott Kazmir jacket! I didn't think they owned it but they do... Big Papi will sport his Bedazzled, while the rest of the Dirt Dogs will wear it plain... It was a nice addition to the line up.

Hunter AND Gather... Putter Awayer...
I watched a strange occurrence today, my stepmother went out food hunting while my father stayed in... then she came back and put the groceries away. I guess my dad working is the new equivalent to hunting for guys.

Is it a bag? Is it a box?

When you buy an iPhone they give you this bag/box to display your new phone to the world... Is it a bag or a box? It's really a "Please rob me I have an expensive product and you know what it is."

Mumblish.....
I found a Japanese band called 8otto they are great! I think they sing in mumblish; It's Mumbling English... I can't tell what they are saying for the life of me.

What is the worst gift to get someone, ever...?
Easy, an animal, but it must be a surprise animal! Oh this is the perfect gift if your goal is to inconvenience a friend, relative, workmate, etc... for year upon years. They can't throw it away, or give it away without you knowing. They need to feed it, vet visit it, clean it, clean up after it on and on... the worst gift ever.... hands down.

Say hello to my seven little friends, and then prepare to say goodbye!

All seven of them "hi ho, hi ho"... This part would have been much more frightening had seven little dwarfs with pick axes showed up!

You look like a famous person...
These words usually bring pleasure to the receiver, unless you look like the Uni-Bommer, or Osama Bin-Laden, or who ever... that's a rough one...

The new social web site according to old people.
They hear about myspace and facebook all the time, so they call it "Spacebook" or "Facespace."

Will the real "Spears" please stand up!

Well, well, here we go again, genuine Hollywood power struggle... It seams Britney "Spears" is claiming her decent from; and thus ownership of Sir William Shake"Spears" works... While on the other side there is on Burning "Spear" claiming that his great, great, great, great, great grandmother had relations with Sir Williams as his maid... Thus securing his lineage and thus ownership of Sir Williams works... DNA to the rescue?!?

Be POSITIVE it's good for you.
"We are going to get lost, I am positive of that."
"This plane is going down, I'm positive we are all going to die."

Kefir Sutherland and his new favorite sponsor.

Hey you may have heard about Keifer and his drunken benders. Well he has a new favorite beverage, and a sponsor to boot! Kefir, " The Official" beverage (not Vodka anymore) of Keifer Sutherland!

You and I think oppositely.
You think stupidly, while I brilliantly.

Jennifer LoPEZ-Dispenser

We haven't heard from her in awhile, and what has she been up to? Well her new line of candy dispensers will be a hit!

The baby beer goggles
Babies can be ugly, it is a known fact, but mothers just can't see it... Whats up with that "Isn't she beautiful???" "Umm lady she has three arms and a trunk, uh; she is the elephant women?!?"

The new exercise crazy that's sweeping the globe!

Strance!!!

I got my hairs cut...
My Stylist came over and did the deal, as she started cutting I asked her if she was giving me my usual "The Dork." She said you can't sell a hair cut called the dork, it's called "The Executive."

so I got "The Dork!"

Speakerphone Anxiety
Is it me but is speakerphone just heinous? I love when I call someone and they decide I should talk to everyone there at once... Crazy awkward, what can you say? Hi everyone how are you? It's just awkward.

I'm getting one of these for my house!

I'm am hanging one of these bad boys on my house for my friends to use. So they can know if its okay to stop by.

• Red = Stop by
• Green = Go away
• Yellow = Enter at own risk!

They don't make stuff like they use to...
My friends husband was lamenting as to the quality of home furnishings today, "They don't make them like they use to". Dude is like 30? Has quality gone down in 10 years... Back in my day - 1998 - furniture was better...

A good friend & a bullet!
I have a good friend who will take a bullet for me, I just need to keep him from finding out!

Hummingbird feeder
I put Jolt soda - the one with "twice the caffeine and sugar" - in my step-mothers hummingbird feeder, those little guys are flying crazy fast now!

Over grown clothes kick down.
Thank you very much. Then always add, if you lose weight your are not getting these back.

Throwing up....
It is a horrible experience in general, and something that is impossible to do gracefully.

The Lost MustacheIt truly is sad that Charlie Chaplin and his wonderfully giggly facial decoration came along when they did. It seems that Adolf Hitler (evil bad person) single handily took the look of Chaplin and wiped it out of existence. If anyone today goes for the CC look unfortunately people think AH instead. Someone I know was going to get the CC, and I had to connect the dots unfortunatly for him to AH. It was a no go.

I'm not a morning person...
Yep not good in the mornings, my poor step mom, she got blasted by the morning person. But who gets up at 11:30, come on sleep in people.

Quitting smoking...
I love my brother and I ride him about smoking and quitting, and then I realized, one day he will quit; when he dies... Okay I'm satisfied.

Michael Phelps should change his diet... Or not...

As has been reported on, Michael Phelps eats a ridiculous diet of 10,000+ calories a day. Now that he has won at the Olympics we may wonder what other sports he could dominate? Well I have an idea that would not necessitate a giant diet shift. He could be competing internationally in less than a year.

MICHAEL PHELPS' DIET

Breakfast: Three fried egg sandwiches; cheese; tomatoes; lettuce; fried onions; mayonnaise; three chocolate-chip pancakes; five-egg omelette; three sugar-coated slices of French toast; bowl of grits; two cups of coffee

Lunch: Half-kilogram (one pound) of enriched pasta; two large ham and cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise on white bread; energy drinks

Dinner: Half-kilogram of pasta, with carbonara sauce; large pizza; energy drinks

Equestrian figure skating - the hot new Olympic sport.

Take the thing most women are in love with (horse), add the sport most favored by the ladies (figure skating), combine them and voila, the receipt for the most exciting sport in history. There won't be a T.V. in the world that isn't tuned in to round one. I guarantee it.

The ladies are crazy-go-nuts for it!!!

Hanging out with old people...
It is great, if you just ramble about technology and high tech stuff, you come off as super intelligent. Talk about the internets, the googler, blah blah blah, whatever you say sounds brilliant!

I love my grandmother, but I really love...
Her 20% senior citizen discount; I pick her up everyday and I have her do a little shopping for me. And we get to use the handicap parking, so she doesn't have to walk as far pushing those heavy carts, watching her struggle with them just breaks my heart. Old people can still be very helpful.

Russia invades Georgia???
I'm not a real fan of Atlanta it is a wacky city.

The Micheal Phelps Diet - BBC News article
He eats tons of crazy yummy food somewhere in the 10,000+ Calories a day area... WOW, and he is TOTALLY RIPPED. I have been on his diet for years and am the human equivalent of a buoy, I wonder why? It must be metabolism...

New Kids On The Block are back...

But a name change is in order... Old Guys In The Neighborhood.

Self-Control
The other day I sat down with a half gallon of ice cream, and when I was half way through it I could feel myself wanting to stop. But I ponied up and said you can finish this thing... go for it. Self control at it's finest!

Clothes that keep shrinking.
I hate my washer and dryer, they keep shrinking my clothes it ridiculous after like 100 washes my shirts and pants keep getting smaller and smaller, even clothes I haven't worn are shrinking, it must be the detergent. I'm going to order a pizza got to go!

Do you have a hobby?
Do you... many job interviews will ask you this. Don't say any of the following...

1. Drinking
2. I smoke crack/heroin etc.
3. Stealing
4. Fighting

Also, playing video games is not something you want to mention as a hobby.

People and computers... who controls who.
Most people today just click what ever the computer tells them. Do you want to run updates? click "yes I do". Do you want to install the virus? click "Yes, I do"

Wimbledon tennis finals.... something new?

This year the Wimbledon finals Raphael Nadal beat Roger Feddear, and normally with tennis I could care less. But I did watch the last 10 minutes as it was reported to be such a great game. But I noticed something interesting that I know has to be new. after the match was over they interviewed both players starting with Roger, then asked him about the match.

Now for all intensive purposes this seems normal, but try that with John McEnroe after somebody beat him in the 80s! I can guarantee you they did not do this.

Reporter: " well John how do you feel about your loss and the game?"
John Mac: " how do I feel? I'll tell you how I feel, I saw chalk fly up! that stupid judge can't see anything, my blind grandmother can see more than he can! It's retarded! I didn't actually lose this game that blind judge over there he lost it for me! I mean did you see chalk fly up? I did, I can tell you that all these fans they saw it, and everyone at home saw it chalk flew up that ball was on the line!"

R: " will have you feel about your opponents play"
JM: " his play? He paid off the judges at that on the dominant player I should've won I did win, or would have if he hadn't cheated, paid off the judges or whatever. We all know everyone here and everyone watching that I am the best tennis player in the world, and we all know and we all saw CHALK FLY UP!!!!! that ball was on THE LINE!!!!!"

So yes that was a new feature, tennis is become a much more civilized sport.

I have a really really funny joke about fix-a-dent...
oh forget it.

If you can't laugh about it... Cry...

It's not all Shakespeare
I think I'm a funny guy, but not everything I say is Shakespeare. Did Shakespeare think everything he said was Shakespeare?

The snail-mail-spam initiative - fight back with fun...

I seem to get a lot of junk mail offering me credit cards and whatnot, I decided to take the offensive. Filling the prepaid envelopes with random things and mailing them back. it can be a fun thing to do... give it a try!

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Teeth
I need to get a teeth brush & some teeth paste. I feel for the poor souls that buy a tooth brush, must be a hard job.

Novels
Are way to hard to write, I'll stick to short stores... I'm just lazy.

What do you call a female geeks and nerds?
Sheek?
Shnerd?

Do you promise....
"To finish up that work and get the reports done?"
"I do, I cross my heart and hope you die."

Jaws the movie and the ocean.... and the sequel
If I was Roy Shyder the first movie would have done it for me, I would have moved. I'm thinking Arizona is nice, no oceans... perfect. I would have forgone the ocean forever more!

A fun game to play....
When someone you know says their Social Security or credit card number etc.number out loud, memorize it and then later sing them ... "my favorite number in the whole wide world song".
"My favorite number in the whole wide world is 007.353.4478,
my favorite number in the whole wide world is 007.353.4478"

The look on their face is priceless, even invite them to sing along they know it by heart.

Helium arguments....
This would be a great thing for arguing couples. Huff then speak your peace...

You're not a loser, you're a failure...

Tennis scoring, man-o-man...
I realize now what the inventors of tennis did, by having the scoring system the way that it is. This was done in an effort to keep laymen (the lower class) from going to tennis matches, "If they can't understand the score they won't enjoy the game." Bingo you have succeeded job well done, 15, 20, 30, 40 love? craziness!

Dropped laptops are like dropped children, never quite the same.

I love the tuna of the land.

How do you feel today?
Well kinda smooth in some parts, hairy in others and even bumpy, I do feel weird.

Gift cards are the perfect way to say...
"I know if I give you cash you'll just buy drugs."

Oxygen is expensive...
That stuff does not grow on trees.

Are you a pessimist?
Is the dumpster half full or half empty? If you said half full your a pessimist... that's sad.

I bought a roll of invisible tape and now I can't find it anywhere.

E.T. iPhone home....


In style! Hopefully Elliot got the unlimited talk plan.

I only want one thing from you and that is...
Everything, that is all.

The Surreal Meal...

Chicken and egg sandwich should be called the "the what came first".

A tattoo all plumbers should get...

We all know plumbers are well know for showing their derrière, they should get a tattoo just north of the boarder saying "If you can read this let me know, and if you are still reading this that is just creepy." There the problem is solved.

I'm sure glad that I can't fall up, just trip once and its over.

It was a long day for me.

I flew across the country, but tomorrow will be a short day, I'm not leaving my room!

Thank you for calling Microsoft, please hold a customer service representative will speak with you shortly...

Look M$ don't get short (predicate: in a curt, abrupt and discourteous manner) with me I don't appreciate it.

The truth about window washers...

I have a strange feeling that many window washers are indeed just peeping toms who have found the perfect job. Personally I appreciated my kind neighbor washing my windows for me some months back, but it was at night and he didn't ask... I gotta call some uniformed men now!

Thats off the food chain.....

I'm glad I am anyways. Tonight I watched the barbaric display of my family ripping apart lobsters. It was pretty horrible, and as a middle-class family it is basically the closest any of us get to being part of the food chain, and not merely diners of it.

The snail mail spam initiative - (formerly The Far Side initiative)... SMSI

In an effort to stop blanket corporate mailing I have taken the offensive. When i get junk mail that has a prepaid envelope in it, I dispose of the contents via my shredder, and stuff the envelope with far side comics, kind notes, leaves from plants, paper clips and what ever else I can find. These 3 went out today.

Please Note: The Corporates pay nothing till you mail back the envelopes and then to boot they need to pay first class postage.

E.T. is iPhoning home

The flattened fortune cookie!

How was your day?
Well I gotta tell you, the day after yesterday was horrible, but I am happy to report that the day before tomorrow is better than expected!

I need to tell you something... You smell!

At least I hope that you can.

The Ultra pessimist
My father told me that he doesn't let his gas gauge go below half a tank, to him "half IS empty" that is the ultra pessimist.

Is the glass half full or half empty... "It's empty"

Places and their names...
you know how places get their names from something locally specific, for example Portsmouth, has ports at the mouth of a river ect. What is up with Liverpool that is sick to even think about.

The hills are really alive....
not with the sound of music, but ticks to be sure, Julie Andrews would have been covered.

Not that I know, but never try to see what cocaine smells like...

The Oriental restaurant... why?

I think. See at the end she repeated it back to me, she could have said 20 egg drop soup 65 crab rangoons. Why do they always employee Oriental staff? Is it because they want us to feel like where in another country? I called in an order the other day and got a nice lady who took my order,ummmRangoon's, I woulda been like yep (no clue what you just said) uh huh sounds good.

And they must know we have no clue what they are saying...

Bear Mace.

If you ever need to use this chances are it's just a bad scene. Probably lots of screaming, and adrenaline, it just is a bad product to use.

All fish are made of sushi.

I'm going for broken

I am starting a hobby...

I'm going to collect money, it really is the best thing to collect. I just gotta figure out how to buy it.

Mexico, ain't no other place i want to go...

Why, siesta baby, sleep time a national nap time AWESOME! Only problem I forsee, scheduled nap time must be great for burglars and invading army's to take advantage of.

It's just HOT....

Why do people get all wacky crazy violent in the middle east? It's crazy hot there, thats it. see the heat drives people nutty, when I'm hot I'm agro too. send Ice or Ice cream even.

Warning!: May be swallowed, not safe for children under 3

I got a pack of LED Glowing rubber duckies, and it has this warning label... but children over three can swallow them and its okay... thats not right.

Riddle me this...

I chew through your yesterday and today, all to protect your tomorrow, what am I?

I hope you don't get into an accident today...

Man telling someone this is a nice thing to say, but people get all freaked out if you just say it while your sitting around talking. "Don't say that thats horrible." No it is good i hope you don't... and forget using "I hope you don't die".

My friends uncle died...

I texted him and asked if it was unexpected, he texted that "to him it was". True to that!

I'm so glad soda servings came around.
When I was a kid it was 8oz per 12oz can. So you crack a soda, drink 8 oz then go back later and finish the flat 4oz left. gotta love the serving size.

1 serving....

I find it annoying that these companies put all these tasty thing in only one serving containers. I love pringles but they need to cut down on the serving size that can is big. Oreos come on now Nabisco, how bout 12 cookies per serving this 3 rows thing is killing me. Now Ben and Jerry's has it just about right..!

I thought you were dead...
My step mother comes over today (15 second walk) and sees me laying down with my blanket over my head (I sleep like that). She comes back a few times same deal, later she remarks I thought you were dead. Thanks for trying to save me....

"I think he's dead, I'll check back in an hour"

What does cow tongue taste like?

The thing that tastes tasting the taster, that just is wacky! (oh and gross)

Murder she wrote....

So every where she goes people get murdered... ummm I think she would be the prime suspect. She was just framing people all along.

Who do people in India get???

Who do people in India get when they call a company for technical assistance? Now we would assume in a cruel twist of fate they get some American with a thick southern accent... can you just imagine.

Customer: "Hello I need help with my laptop, it won't power up when i press the button"
CSR: How'dy partner, I'd be sure shooting to be yah helpin yah out, I'm gonna need a weeee bit of Information from you, can I get your name?"
C: "My name is Akram Farmy"
CSR "Woooah their please sir, slow it down, i an't one of these here computers, you said HAk-Ram PHarney?
C: "No sir I said Akram Farmy"
CSR: "ok I got it you said Mr. Backram Tarmy"
C: "No I said A k r a m F a r m y"
CSR: "Ok Sir, I'll need you to spell that for me.

I just found out i am allergic to....

Bangle Tigers, oh and Cobras, Great White Sharks and clowns... keep them away.

Redumbdent: Adj - Making a statement that is redundant and dumb at the same time.

Check out my fictionary blog for more words.

Puppy Bowl.... and Mr. Vick

Michael Vick must have been loving it. Mike goes to jail for dog fighting and millions of us feel he is a monster for doing it. Yet then millions of us turn to Animal Planet and watch puppies battle it out. See Mike gambling is bad... Truth can be stranger than fiction.

Self Tackle the excuse for falling...

My father and I were watching the super bowl he tripped over his feet and almost fell at which point he proclaim he almost tackled himself.

So from now on when i see someone fall they will get a "Nice tackle" comment. at least then they can have some dignity.

This man is blue

He has stated it took place gradually so he didn't notice... can you imagine his poor friend having to broach the subject,

"Ummm paul you seem blue"
"no I feel pretty good"
"No you ARE BLUE"
"No things are going good I got a new job"

And how does this guy go out to a restaurant, people would be giving him the Heimlich all the time.

Chin strap to the hair helmet...

The new thing in shaving is leaving the bread trimming it up on the neck and shaving the mustache. This to me looks like a chin strap to a hair piece.

Tupperware responsibility... I can't handle it.

When someone give you food in tupperware it really is a bad thing, at least to me. I get all stressed out as to how and when I will be able to get it back to them... will i forget who gave it to me. I HAVE HUNDREDS OF TUPPERWARE CONTAINERS, i don't need any more.

I've been suggesting this on the Athlete's site for years...

http://www.sonymusic.com/artists/ToriAmos/bouncingoffclouds/

Finally i caught on.. I knew it would be great, athlete please, give us a shot on "second hand stores"
.

Love
Me and your fans

Writers block...

So you may have heard that the hollywood writers guild has gone on strike, well then the late night talk shows went into reruns, no writers = no show. we why not ask the you tube community to post there ideas? post what they would say... work the web...

A friend of mine is going to see the band Bright eyes and we we talking about his opening band. "Bushy tailed" would be a good one to have open for them... tonight one show only its "Bright eyes and bushy tailed".

"Houston we have a problem" who are we kidding did james Lovell say this. It probably went more like, "oh God were are going to die, save us... hellllpppp ussss, I don't want to die!!!! Houston, help us quick!!!!" then they just edited it later and didn't tell people Lovell had a melt down. thats how it went down.

It's always the last place you look, well not for me... When you are looking for something you stop looking when you find it, well not me I just keep looking around for 3 or 4 more minutes just to keep it real.

It's Columbus day in the United States, a day in honor of Christopher Columbus for Discovering America. Now really why does he get that? seriously how on earth was someone not going to find this thing its a huge land mass. There should be a day for all the poor saps who couldn't find it. those poor people sail all over and not finding it... that is just sad.

Tim McGraw is funny, you gotta love strategic track on album placement... On his album "Set this circus down" he starts the album with "Cowboy in me" song about being tough and rough. only to find 12 tracks later that this rough guy has the tender side in the song " Grown Men don't Cry". Just a tender observation, Tim your a cowboy a heart.

I got a disease... I think
Man I gotta say it was rough of Lou Gehrig parents to name him that. Talk about not a funny name. "Hello cancer welcome into the world!" what were they thinking? Honey lets call him Lou Gehrig after that disease... Cruel

If your the 1st person to get a disease, at least you get to name it. I'm calling mine cancer 2.0.

Playing Chess against your computer... Tips

Man the computer is GOOD I mean Big Blue thumpped the Human. But the problem is we arn't like computers we are thinking about our day, things we said, did, should have done. So i figure to even the field don't just play the computer, but start up web browser, email, photoshop (very CPU intensive), run calculator, imovie (movie maker on windows), any program you have, etc till you have the advantage. ;)

There are starving children in the world, which I hate.... No i Don't hate the starving children

The weatherman said it was very Muggy out, I was like yeah whatever... Stepped out side got smacked in the head with a sock full of pennies and knocked out and my wallet got stolen, Getting Mugged isn't fun. Next time I'll listen to Phil Conners.

Digital Footprint Noun
The information you obtain when you internet search someones personal name, email, or user name. The returning web data that they have created on the internet is their digital footprint.

"Dude you got totally beat up, man your face is a mess."
"Yeah but you should see what i did to that guys fist it is ripped up bad, has teeth stuck in it, I showed him."

Pain on a scale of 1 to 10....

Today my doctor asked me how my pain was on a scale of one to ten. I stated well if ten is being shot in the hand its like a two. Bit if ten is kicked in the shines then its like 6 or 7 for sure.

I mean really what scale are we using? my pain is also constant so whats worse a spiking now and again 8 - 10 or constant grating 2 - 3 pain all the time?

Need a better scale....

What is up with Australia?

Seriously a crazy place. I mean i live in New England USA and the worst insect is a mosquito, and the most dangerous thing is humans. But in Aussie, Good night every thing can kill you. Poisonous ants, spiders, snakes by the 100's, lizards i could go on. And forget going swimming, crocodiles in rivers and lakes, Great white sharks and Man O War Jelly fish in the ocean. Oh, and saltwater Crocks too.

Just going for a walking the woods is a death wish, mate. That is a nutty place to live. Just think, imagine you survive a plain crash in the outback, your done for... "Oh great I survived now I'm gonna die on the food chain." that would rot.

So all you people from Down under, I give you credit a brave bunch.

If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again.

A friend of mine called me from Brisbane Australia last night, she was 14 hours ahead of us, amazing stuff. I wanted some good stock tips but got nothing. Wanted to know how the Red Sox game was going to end but again she had no info, man so much for calling the future.

Hello, are you looking for Ask-A-Capper, well it moved to it's own blog. go here

http://askacapper.blogspot.com/

Thanks feel free to email the Capper

I want to be a stand up comic but since I'm in a wheelchair thats out. Sit down comic just doesn't have the same ring.

Boat Names - Acceptable or unacceptable

• Titanic2 - I believe this is a good name as what are the odds two boats named titanic would sink.
• we are sinking - this could pose a problem if you radio in for anything "yes this is we are sinking come in over" coast guard might just come visit you.
• The mino - Classic
• Potential submarine
• Drug Smuggler
  

There is emo it stands for emotional, music with lyrics about love & loss could be called Emo.

Today a girl went fEmo on me, lol.

Ok, here we go... what is the difference between a camel and a rocket ship?

You say: "I don't know what?"

Umm lots of stuff wing nut, camel is alive and rocket isn't, Rocket fly's and a camel doesn't...

It is a tragidy these sweat shops that pay people ten cents or less a day, i want to go over to these countries and put all those sweat shop employees out of work.

Do I want the blanket over my head or do want my head under the blanket.

I'm busy recollecting the future...

ok here is a must have for Instant Messaging (IM). a feature that alerts you to when you have repeated a question or word often. case in point like love in a conversation with a woman using it to many times can be bad. oh and it would keep you from asking repedative questions like what are you doing tomorrow, or how are you... u get the idea.

There are no opposites for temprature... huh so 80 degrees has no opposite, just a thought i had... I think its right on!

Mitch Hedburg... He once had a joke "I think a gift certifacte is a bad gift, you take money that was good anywhere (at this point the audience laughs and he loses his momentum) he never finished the joke but this is hoiw i think it would go...

To me a gift certificate is a bad gift, you take money that was good anywhere, and turn it into a peice of paper good at one place thats only open betwen 8-5 monday -friday, and is closed on holidays.

A friend of mine had me watch his 8 year old the other night, man o man that kid was into everything, breaking glasses and plates, he had a knife, and gun, and even played with fire. He was taking money from their room, it was very strange to watch this all happen.

(this is a joke, no child did the above perported actions)

Its all about mind over matter. really this is an odd statement, are minds are always over matter. are brains are over our bodys so always mind is over matter.

the era of accelerated TV, wow nutty. a friend of mine watched 10 season of friends in 8 days... this is the only time in history we can watch season after season. It's like watching a loooong movie.

I look up to a lot of people, only because they are taller then me.

You know I love them to death, I just wish it would hurry up and get here...

When life hands you lemons, make.....

What is up with lemon aid, how about lemon squares, or lemon meringue Pie... seriously loose the Lemon aid. I have the crust the poudered sugar and the pan, so I'm prepared for the lemons.

Would you say a house is on fire or do they have fire on them? and do they burn up or burn down or both? Just a thought by Amy Duffy...

I keep trying to lose my appetite, but the stupid thing keeps finding me.

The Great Headphone concert!

I'm hoping it could happen, it would be great. If a band would have a concert where they handed out headphones or fans could bring their own (i love listening to tunes through cans, if you haven't you should try it). and then the whole show would be played through the silence of the sound system.

I think that it would be so great. Imagine the fans sitting in a room singing along and if you took your phones off you could hear them singing along, thats gonna be cool. You could put some bass though the place to add extra pump. you could also put out an fm band so walkmans and fm mp3 players could be used. I think it would be so fun.

So what band would be the first?

The Plight of the Editor

House sitting is a good job

Kind of... It is a seldom unknown fact that is not always expressed to the sitting individual, that house sitting is plant and animal sitting at the same time. now failure to be alerted to this fact can be very distressing to you the sitter and to the well rested individuals upon their return. Their poor bonsai tree's cactus's, and cat...

it is sad that we live in a world where houses need sitting, i mean come on where is it going to go?!? Plus you get their food heat cloths (OK maybe not that). so before i sign up i have just a few questions.

QUESTIONS:

1. how do you treat the neighbors? I mean lets say that they are a feudin? are you required to keep it up? do you act kind? i feel they should fill you in.
   
2. lets say Mr. fluffy, gets killed by say, a knife (awful tragedy) do you call the family on vacation? do you wait? I'm thinking wait, why spoil a vacation... i mean he's already gone.
3. do I need to keep your standard of cleanness or mine? i mean really, most people who want you to baby sit their house are gonna be clean freaks, so i can't not do dishes, rough!
4. i don't have to buy food right? i mean seriously, its up for grabs right?
5. If something breaks am i liable? and for what, lets say glass? i say no... ceiling fan gets a sock stuck in it and burns out? i say no. blender melt in the oven? tough one
6. Can i turn on every electric device in the house? you should see that power meter thing spin..

thats a starter....

The New Snickers Slogan - When your gonna be waiting awhile.

Scene older man sitting on a couch, looks at his watch and says "Where is John with my canoe?"
outside you hear car pull up and loud music and Honk, Honk, Hoooonk
Man gets up and looks outside sees young man sitting in a pickup truck with a canoe tied to it.
"Hey mister B, come get this thing off my truck, i gotta go, honk honk..."
you see him tap the roof and point at the canoe, then he makes a gesture like get it off my truck.
You see the young man pull out a snickers and start chewing through it...
You here the Slogan, "Snickers, when your gonna be waiting a while" would be funny.

Switching it up to Mac from PC to Mac to PC from Mac!!!

Thing's i found different, as i used Bootcamp and OS X... but am Figuring it out a little at a time.

1. Right clicking is available just use a different mouse (i think the mighty mouse has right clickableness, just no button)
   
2. Applications don't "install" by clicking .exe file. You download a dmg file double click it, then drag the application icon "firefox icon" to your applications folder. Easy, to easy.
3. The command key kinda nukes the control key in OS X so command + A instead of Control + A
   
4. Reinstall's and multi boots Rock windows world, easy, you can boot to any drive hold the option key on boot and pick your drive.
5. Drag your application folder next to the trash can (next to not into) drop it and then right click it, and you get an application list like the start menu in windoze.
   
6. I have gone all Google web based now for email and calender and documents, i used outlook, but it just can't run in os x so since i boot into windows sometimes. i want to have access to my files and emails.
7. Oh i use an external drive to be a boot camp go between. use a 32gb or less partion as fat32 and both OS's can read and write to it. a NTFS file system is read only in os x.
8. use firefox browser sync, to keep your web browser in harmony. very useful so you can use ether OS for surfing the WWW.
9. burning software is not integrated into OS X 10.4 why i have no clue. A program called Disco is cool for this drag and drop burning. why mac doesn't do this is unknown. good article
   
10. QuickSilver.... oh its SOOO cool. It enables keyboard shortcuts for everything, the mouse is far less efficient, just a couple of keys and you can move files and much more.
11. No AntiVirus software (for now but this will change) it's neat but i'm sure it'll change
12. the dock (thing at the bottom) is cool but crowded, drag out items you don't use and in ones you do.
    
13. Parallels is good to use for quick jaunts into windows, with no rebooting required.
    
14. The iPod and iTunes dilemma is a hassle, i just dropped my widows iTunes and now update my pod in MAC. getting my library over here was a hassle, i lost my play count on my songs (it was horrible j/k)
15. Widgets at f12 are neat and useful and quick.
16. Finder is not as effective as windows explorer IMO (in my opinion) still not a fan (quicksilver helps),
17. There is cool mac freeware out there even though i feel there is less than for windows
18. Mac zealots are wingnuts sometimes it is still a computer
19. Mac software is pricey mac's basically are more expensive in general.

Ok There you go... its what i coul think of.

Commercial idea

For an Investment company:
In a suberbian house nice day outside.
"Honey the Packers are going to be here soon get ready to help, this move was your idea"
"Okay" (as he's watching football on TV)
Ding Dong door bell
Opens the door to see brett farve (Quarter back for Green Bay Packers) standing there in work clothes
"Were the packers, were ready when you are" says farve
"You your brett Farve, I I I Love you your one of my favorites (as he rumbles on about some awesome farve moment)

I loved that he continues while Mr Farve looks at his watch and clip board..
"Brett what are you doing here?"
Farve: "Were the packers toi help you pack your stuff"
"But why?"
Farve: "oh i didn't invest, now i gotta do this to get my kids through collage"
"Oh man you shoulda used... (insert name here)"
Farve: "Yeah I know"
Okay well, that lamp is fragil be careful, and we'll need some big guys for the couch, are you insured?"

Just an idea i wanted to put out here on the www if you use it i'll take 3% thanks

Jane Austin

A friend of mine has gone and done a meatball headed move, he went and got his wife all kinds of Jane Austin Gifts (DVD's and Books), what was he thinking!? All that idealistic love, romance, and sweetness. She's gonna be wanting that in her life now. She asked about flowers already, stick fork in him he's done for.

He should have gotten her movies with husbands who were bums, and had comunication issues, then THEN he'd look so great, she'd be lovin him. Thinking about how much better her man is compared to that bum. But now Mr. Darcy is her concept of idealism, next time think about that.

www.chainletters.net/

The INTERVENTION

It has to stop, Please make it stop! It starts with you, today. Please do not forward me email messages that you find inspiring/alarming/interesting/cute etc. Its time to explain a few thing for the sake of the world.

1. It's probably fake: Most email forwards that you see are after a web search they are a hoax. No Bill Gate's wont send you 450 dollars or 12 CD's for free. Use snopes (an Urban legend website) to verify this, just type your favorite forwarded email in and wham bam scam, sorry I know it sounded to good to be..... oh you know.

Video animation of the kind of offers you see.

2. By forwarding email to a group of friends and family you unknowingly send their private emails out to the world. it then can and will, get picked up by some unscrupulous individual who will then sign us up to some wonderful spam list. That we will NEVER EVER NO NOT EVER get off of.

Here is a website that highlights this risk

This method means the spammer uses a hoax to convince people into giving him valid E-mail addresses.

A good example is Richard Douche's "Free CD's" chain letter. The letter promises a free CD for every person to whom the letter is forwarded to as long as it is CC'ed to Richard.

Richard claimed to be associated with Amazon and Music blvd, among other companies, who authorized him to make this offer. Yet he supplied no references to web pages and used a free E-mail address.

All Richard wanted was to get people to send him valid E-mail addresses in order to build a list of addresses to spam and/or sell.

Yes it is true you help these people by not stopping the forward cycle.

3. Time = money or energy or fun, and by forwarding these type of emails you will expend all 3 of these things from mine and the lives of others. some people use email for work related purposes and getting forwards like this is very troublesome.

4. the last thing you need to know, it is very hard for us (the forwarded to person to tell you this, we appreciate your friendship/family ties, and would hate to see your messages automaticly filtered into our junk mail box (we turn this on for your email address) because you send stuff like this.

Satire

Satirously: spoken in a manner suggesting satire.

lazy

Laziness is the monster that eats great literature.
Charles Bittner

SinceSlicedBread.com

How about the greatest thing since ripped bread, how about the greatest thing since bread. even better!

http://www.satirewire.com/features/siliconpines/acf.shtml

I can't even spell PC...
Kevin Exeter

29 Secrets to a Good Night's Sleep

"I'm the tiredest person awake right now"
Robin Sorensen

A cool band name: the footNotes or FootNote

911 anniversary - Google News

Just a thought i don't feel aniversary should be use in the context of looking back on a tragady. Seriously with anniversary you think happy thing, the word even sounds happy. its just not right... maybe depressaversary?

Dell - Support - No CD's shipped with dell systems

I'm seriouly disturbed by Dells practices... the fact that they don't ship Windows XP CD's or drivers cd with computers. it seriously is lame, in small biz the cd is 10 bucks more in the home department they 8.00 WHY? now i find out they'll maill you the disks if you ask... then why pay? its just nutty

Also all the software these companies ship loaded on a computer is crazy takes hours to uninstall.... "Class Action"

Mental retardation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Some people in life are playing Black Jack, with one card.

By Esquire

Pandora Internet Radio

I love music so here is how i utalize the web to only buy songs i like... use pandora to find bands i like you create channels by band names then it plays similar sounds. use napster to listen to the whole album, u can up to 3 times (listen to any track on napster). then use emusic to buy the song for 17-25 cents, depending on your plan, if they don't have it go to iTunes.

Communications From Elsewhere » The Band Name Generator

Translucent Sun... that would be a cool band name!

Pick A Flick, Choose Your Own Ending, New Interactive DVDs Let You Change The Ending - CBS News

Well here is my idea if you make million i'll take one percent... or .50% is cool. Hollywood needs to make a movie with 4 differnt endings, but not just endings but half the movies are different. so at some point the movie comes to a drastic point half way through, that alters the path of the character. then people would pay to see 4 movies, and it would roughly cost the price of two to make. I'd re-edit some of the first 45minutes b4 the turnning point to keep the audience alert, to the changes... I'd love to write it...